Please, Have More! For Me

Taaroof is more than a behavior; it is a learned way of thinking. It is a concealed experience that is constantly modeled and modified among families and groups.

How do we learn this behavior?  Well, as a child once we were going to a cultural event or a family gathering, our parents would teach us how to say no once we are offered goodies.   

We were told that we could only take one piece of the food or goodies after the host had made several offers.  We had to say No a couple of times until the host really insisted that we would eat something. We had to practice hard to master this double moral type of behavior. As a child we liked to say yes once we meant Yes. It was emotionally difficult to Say No to dedicates that were this close to our hands.

Many of us do make Taaroof because we believe that we are forced to keep or create social interactions with others.  Most of the times there is a sense of guilt, shame, force, exaggeration, and many forms of invisible agendas that make us to use the Taaroof in our interactions.  We Iranians, we are trained to say Yes to everything that others prepare for us.  One reason for making Taaroof is that we tend to fear people judging us.  Taaroof has to do with our shame-based culture. We Iranian have to be concerned about our facade at all times.  We are constantly concerned about our "grace", something that we easily lose if we do not make Taaroof.  Obviously most of our children who are born and raised in western cultures have hard time to understand our Taaroof.

Taaroof is used daily in our Iranian homes; it is deep rooted in our collectively shaped interpersonal skill. The concept of Taaroof inhibits our inner desires.  For some of us Taaroof is part of our style of life.  We live with it and we maintain it to any price. There are many ideas that cannot, will not, should not, and do not get to be expressed. Taaroof is an act of not saying what we mean or not to mention what we wish due to the deep layers of internalized censorship.  

We seem to fear getting involved in conflicts if we do not offer others whatever we have to offer them.  We are prohibited from expressing our true mind. Taaroof or offer is an act of kindness if we really mean what we say or do.  Once we do make an offer just because then we lose our authenticity and we lose our own integrity.  We need to be more mindful about our traditions and customs.

Poran Poregbal

Vancouver, B.C.

My name is Poran Poregbal. I am doing my master in clinical counseling. My main interest is mental health and healthy relationship. I write mostly about how to explore mental health as a main source of having peace within our families and our communities.

I would like to promote peace, happiness, multicultural counseling and a healthy language in our daily life. I believe that we have to expand our understanding of mental health by viewing the cultural values into our ways of dealing with the world.

I like to emphasize on helping our youth as well as our next generations to integrate within whatever cultures they live in.

For more articles in this area please visit my website : http://middlepeace.com/